انوم.

Blessing Of God.

God’s Gift.

That is what you are, you are my best news.

My life was changed when I discovered your presence.

Everyday my life has been better because of you.

You were my strength when I was weak.

You were my fulfillment to my emptiness.

You are my sun, my moon, my lovechild.

In every aspect you made me a better woman.

I don’t second guess my purpose, I know I am to do right by you.

I am a dope educated black queen that turns her pain into power.

I am sister, and a daughter, I am black girl magic.

I am the best woman to mi amor.

You made me a mother.

Only you were able to complete me.

I was always preparing for you, I just didn’t know when you’d arrive.

Gifts are always better when they come from God.

Gifts are always better when you need them most.

I am blessed to have carried you.

I am blessed to have birthed you.

I am blessed to be your mother.

I am blessed you are my daughter.

You are the blessing that changed my life-

You are the gift, God finally allowed me to unwrap.

You are perfect in every way,

You are just what I wanted.

You are just what I needed.

I always knew love, just not quite like this.

You are my growth, my inspiration, my joy, my muse, my light, and my life.

You are my blessed gift from god.

-ESS

Hiatus.

A pause or gap in a sequence, series, or process.

That’s what I thought I needed.

To get my “creative juices,” flowing or so I would tell myself.

Truth is, I got comfortable with not having to express myself.

I needed a pause, in explaining who I was or what I meant.

I wanted to pause my process.

Although, so much inspiration and experience called for the continuation of my expressionism.

I took the pause,

I allowed the gap.

Thinking I needed the time, I only moved further into my void of silence.

I want to have these conversations that were never had.

The high from expressing one’s self is far too addictive for me to be completely done.

-Ess.

Evoke.

1. Bring or recall to the conscious mind.

Dear Self,

I love you.

I need you.

You are me and i am you.

The mind and the heart are the same.

This is true, because they are both you.

Listen to your voice, because it’s your voice.

You can have as many options.

Always let it be your choice.

Don’t do it to please anyone but you.

Dear Self,

You can be selfish!

You always should, because your mind, body and soul need you to be.

They say

           ” I am you and you are me.  We are one. We only get one. That one is me.”

-Ess.

 

 

 

 

Prelude

As it may start to be, you will start to see,

That everything you’ve ever known, comes to be nothing at all.

What you were taught, and what you were told,

is merely a façade

A façade that glitters but isn’t gold.

You will ultimately fall, but you wont stop there.

See you are strong, you are me.

You are exactly who you will be.

Just not on anyone else’s time, but off your own dime.

It will cost you every cent.

From your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual account.

I promise, it will be the best money you’ll ever spend.

Prepare yourself, it starts now.

This too, you shall see.

-Ess

Questions.

1.A problem for discussion or under discussion; a matter for investigation.

2. A matter of some uncertainty or difficulty; problem.

Go with your gut instinct, always!! I like to think that most go against that piece of advice, including myself at times.  The question is why?

Why do we ignore the signs that are right in our face about the guys we entertain, or the financial decisions we make or the ultimate treating one’s self like an option and everything and everyone around us as priorities?  Why when in all actuality we know how the game ends, we still decide to play?

Many tell me, it’s because they know what type of person they are and how they believe what you put out you get back. That is a valid reason but its very cruel to one’s self. It is an awesome quality to treat everyone with respect and everything and hope that it is reciprocated, but lets be realistic it doesn’t always happen.

Why do we torture ourselves by ignoring ourselves? Why do we ignore what we know and decide to go against what is for us? Why do we not take that risk that could be a game changer? Why do we entertain meaningless relationships, and childish men? Why are we so concerned with what everyone else thinks about us instead of just focusing and embracing who we are and loving ourselves unconditionally?

How do we break that cycle? When do we decide that enough is enough? What irrational decision took us down this rabbit hole of self doubt and self hate? Who did you give an abundance of energy to and instead of adding to it, to give back to you; they drained you? Who are you? Who have you become? & do you enjoy this way of life?

There is so much to live for, you want more, you know there’s more. Why punish yourself? It is a world of endless possibilities, the sky isn’t the limit, its the direction. The question is will you go towards it or against it?

Your decision.

-Ess.

Recollect.

• To bring back to the level of conscious awareness
• To remind (oneself) of something temporarily forgotten

You often sometimes lose yourself, trying to continue on your path. The balance of you seeing so much ahead, still trying to enjoy the present and trying with all your might to leave the past behind. That you lose sight of what makes you glow. With determination and focus you start to elevate yourself, start to slowly accomplish your goals,  and see how every decision has brought you to this very moment.

However, you become stagnate, you allow distraction and the negativity to re-enter your life. You start to treat yourself like an option when the life changing decision of you being TOP PRIORITY, has been the best plan of execution to ever make. You started to invest yourself, decided to do what makes YOU happy, live the way YOU want to live, eat what YOU want to eat, and choose to give YOUR time to what you decide. Somewhere along the lines of being empowered and dedicated you become stuck.

Your time, your actions, your decisions are put aside, you don’t do what is necessary for you because now you’re regarding yourself as the very same way people do. You’re attention, your actions, your thoughts are not for self anymore,  you have allowed the very things you left behind, or chose to ignore to rent space in your mental, your spiritual, your physical.

Of course these are set backs, and of course they are needed, because when you work so hard to discover who YOU are. There will be times when you just need to re-evaluate your decisions, you need to recollect on what prompted you to do what you wanted to do for you. The happiness, the bliss, the self-love, it is all worth it, its always worth it.

To be completely aware of one’s self is to love one’s self. It’s to believe in who you are and that you deserve nothing but happiness, sometimes we just need a reminder and (yes this is one of my father’s many odes to life)  “The reminder benefits the believer.”

So don’t be hard on yourself when you become lost. Appreciate that time to reflect, evaluate, learn and grow. Remember, it all starts with you and for you.

-Ess.

 

Awake.

To cease sleeping.

To become aroused or active again.

To become conscious or aware of something 

Awoke to the possibilities

Should be sleep. But it’s 4:48 in the am & my mind doesn’t want to be silent just yet . It’s screaming ! It’s thinking of endless possibilities and evaluating risks to be successful. To be accomplished requires sacrifice . To sacrifice requires discipline. To conceive the notion of who you have the possibility of becoming . Is truly a natural high. It’s the sense of awareness. Like; You know you got what it takes. You know certain steps that has to be taken. You see it, it’s there . That image of your best self accomplishing everything you set out to achieve.

Damn what a feeling. 

These late nights will either make or break my marathon. This is a good platform for what this year brings. I will be entering new rooms of opportunity . These early mornings are preparing me for what I work and plan for. My vision is so clear , it’s so vivid. I can see it, I feel it. Just have to obtain it . 

Remember nothing comes to a sleeper, but a dream. But a plan with no action is just a dream. 

-ESS.

Natural Hair

Having or constituting a classification based on features existing in nature ,the covering of hairs on a person’s head.

“Your hair is so thick!” “It’s so nappy”  “Why don’t you straighten it, make it manageable”

How many have heard one of these lines? I’m sure not just once, and it’s not right. Since I was ye-high, say about 7 or 8. I’ve always been taught not to love my hair.  Instead of letting children be children, or enriching our culture. We’ve been slowly programmed  to think that our natural hair is wrong. We must wear it straight, it looks better. But better to who and for who?

To be a black is to be beautiful. To be you is to be a beautiful.  Now of course black isn’t a color to describe a race, but you get the just. To be of African descent in any form, is rich in importance. However in society you never see it. I’ve never seen a billboard with a little black girl loving or embracing her afro. I rarely seen a billboard of a girl of Spanish decent embracing her curls. You know what is portrayed?.. straight hair !

Don’t get me wrong, it is nothing wrong with straight hair, but it’s not everyone’s hair. No shame or judgment should be placed.

For the longest, I’ve struggled with my hair. Not so much as length but just embracing what was mine. I’ve experienced with relaxers, hot combs, sew-ins(weave installations) braids and Senegalese twists, and monthly visits to a Dominican shop to press my hair out. The braids and twist were protective styles just to stimulate growth in my hair, but it was so expensive. The relaxers, hot-combs, Dominican visits all served one purpose; to make my hair straight, to make it “manageable.”

So with my “manageable” hair, not my hair in its natural state. I had to be conscious of the gym, or the pool because water to my “manageable” hair would put it in it’s natural state. And that was just the last thing I needed right? WRONG!

I started to hear myself, be aware of what I was saying in regards to my hair. I would  pass up on beach trips, and outdoor events because if the weather wasn’t up to par, my whole day would be ruined.

Here’s a little fun fact about me, I cant swim! I know sad right, but what’s even sadder is I’ve never really committed to trying because I always was worried about my hair !!!

I’ve been contemplating going “natural,” for a while. Just listen to that line, I’ve been contemplating going natural. Contemplating what makes me, me.  My excuse has always been I don’t have the time, I don’t even know where to begin. But it was just that, an excuse. I was offered swimming lessons, and you know what was my response? ” Ok I’m willing to learn, I just can’t get my hair wet.”

Huh? What? That makes no sense! It was that split moment that my subconscious won. I heard how ridiculous I sounded and realized how can I say I love me? How am I comfortable with myself and I don’t like my hair?

It is a slow and steady path, but it is a path that I am willing to embrace and excited to enjoy. It’s crazy I’m in my mid 20’s and I’m finally accepting something that’s been part of me my entire life. But I guess that’s where development kicks in, and the becoming of your person starts.

Love yourself, and take care of yourself. Embrace what makes you, YOU. I stumbled across this quote and it exemplified truth. Why try to be anyone else, when you are naturally YOU

-Ess

 

 

EMPOWERED👑

• Make (someone) stronger and more confident, especially in controlling their life and claiming their rights. Give (someone) the authority or power to do something.

 

There comes a time in every adult woman’s life where she starts to LOVE herself just a little more than she has.  When she appreciates her flaws and her imperfections. She starts to accepts her voice.  It’s when she is falling in love with herself more and more everyday.  She know she isn’t perfect, ” no one walking this earth’s surface is ” -(One of Jay’z’s many lyrics of Bonnie & Clyde.) But she does know that’s what makes her, HER. From her hair, to her shoe style and with a mix of everything in between, is her choice.

She may cut her hair, she may read more, she could be perfecting her make up. Yoga could be her thing, furthering education may be her fuel. Whatever that woman puts her mind to, she can do. & in that moment she feels she is finally feeling like herself. The person she know she can be. The person who isn’t sharing herself with trivial situations and pointless relations. She is no longer allowing her energy to focus on anything but her. She knows what’s important. She knows where she is going.

The match between her voice being heard and her silencing it, is over. Her voice won, it’s telling her. “Queen! You beautiful, you are smart, you are lovely, you are gorgeous, you are amazing, you are phenomenal, you are worth it, you are perfectly imperfect, you are strong. You are in control of YOU!” She hears it, she loves the sound of it, she believes it.

She is EMPOWERED.

-ESS.

Journey.👣

• something suggesting travel or passage from one place to another
  • the journey from youth to maturity

For about six months I had this idea of cutting my hair. April 2016 was my last trip to the salon for curls. Afterwards I started to transition, no more heat to my hair. I was originally going to cut my hair around August and got cold feet. So I decided to get Senegalese twists instead. A protected style that is expensive and takes 8 hours to do.  When it was time to take them out I was at a road block. I had just started school,  I’m working, working out and there was no time for hair.

October 17, 2016, the beginning of my journey. I have been thinking about cutting my hair for some time. & I finally listened to my inner voice. I finally listened to me!! For the longest I was afraid I wouldn’t look right, or I would be less attractive and that it would be no turning back. Well 7am on Saturday, there wasn’t any turning back. I decided to schedule my appointment and go with my gut.

I wasn’t doing the “chop,” I was going for a more sexy chic cut. Very tapered in the back, full bang in the front to fit my face. I loved it ! It was perfect, I instantly was happy, felt like a new person immediately. ( its very funny how hair can do that for a person) Three days pass and my hair is sweating out, now granted I was in the salon for 4 hours. Getting it washed, blow-dried cut, styled, set under the dryer, curled; the full works! I didn’t realize the type of style I got,wasn’t what I truly wanted. The cut required heat or a relaxer for my hair to lay flat.

Here I am, three days later, hair does not look how it did when it was first done. No, I don’t cry, but I did contemplate what was happening.  Granted I knew nothing about hair and regret started to kick in. I hated the decision I made, but I was not going to put heat to my hair after months of discipline nor was I going to put a chemical in there to alter and damage my texture.

I tried to call the salon and to my surprise it’s closed on a Monday. I was going to go the natural stylist and have her do something, anything to this disaster I now called my hair. Then it started to kick in, I don’t have to pay her 70$ to do the same thing I can do. I went to wash my hair, put leave in conditioner in it and wore it just as.

To my surprise, I liked it, I knew with time I would love it. I knew this was the beginning of my next chapter. I knew this was the prelude to who I was becoming. I tell this story to people to let them know this wasn’t planned, this was just a leap. Yes I wanted to cut my hair, no I didn’t do the chop, this is not what I expected but it’s mine.  Life isn’t always planned, listen to your gut, take the risk you keep ignoring. It may be one of your best decisions, it turned out to be mine.

In that mere moment, I discarded the fears I had as this girl, and accepted the journey of the woman I know I can be; ME.

-Ess