Awake.

  • To cease sleeping.
  • To become aroused or active again.
  • To become conscious or aware of something 
  • Awoke to the possibilities

Should be sleep. But it’s 4:48 in the am & my mind doesn’t want to be silent just yet . It’s screaming ! It’s thinking of endless possibilities and evaluating risks to be successful. To be accomplished requires sacrifice . To sacrifice requires discipline. To conceive the notion of who you have the possibility of becoming . Is truly a natural high. It’s the sense of awareness. Like; You know you got what it takes. You know certain steps that has to be taken. You see it, it’s there . That image of your best self accomplishing everything you set out to achieve.

Damn what a feeling. 

These late nights will either make or break my marathon. This is a good platform for what this year brings. I will be entering new rooms of opportunity . These early mornings are preparing me for what I work and plan for. My vision is so clear , it’s so vivid. I can see it, I feel it. Just have to obtain it . 

Remember nothing comes to a sleeper, but a dream. But a plan with no action is just a dream. 

-ESS.

Natural Hair

Having or constituting a classification based on features existing in nature ,the covering of hairs on a person’s head.

“Your hair is so thick!” “It’s so nappy”  “Why don’t you straighten it, make it manageable”

How many have heard one of these lines? I’m sure not just once, and it’s not right. Since I was ye-high, say about 7 or 8. I’ve always been taught not to love my hair.  Instead of letting children be children, or enriching our culture. We’ve been slowly programmed  to think that our natural hair is wrong. We must wear it straight, it looks better. But better to who and for who?

To be a black is to be beautiful. To be you is to be a beautiful.  Now of course black isn’t a color to describe a race, but you get the just. To be of African descent in any form, is rich in importance. However in society you never see it. I’ve never seen a billboard with a little black girl loving or embracing her afro. I rarely seen a billboard of a girl of Spanish decent embracing her curls. You know what is portrayed?.. straight hair !

Don’t get me wrong, it is nothing wrong with straight hair, but it’s not everyone’s hair. No shame or judgment should be placed.

For the longest, I’ve struggled with my hair. Not so much as length but just embracing what was mine. I’ve experienced with relaxers, hot combs, sew-ins(weave installations) braids and Senegalese twists, and monthly visits to a Dominican shop to press my hair out. The braids and twist were protective styles just to stimulate growth in my hair, but it was so expensive. The relaxers, hot-combs, Dominican visits all served one purpose; to make my hair straight, to make it “manageable.”

So with my “manageable” hair, not my hair in its natural state. I had to be conscious of the gym, or the pool because water to my “manageable” hair would put it in it’s natural state. And that was just the last thing I needed right? WRONG!

I started to hear myself, be aware of what I was saying in regards to my hair. I would  pass up on beach trips, and outdoor events because if the weather wasn’t up to par, my whole day would be ruined.

Here’s a little fun fact about me, I cant swim! I know sad right, but what’s even sadder is I’ve never really committed to trying because I always was worried about my hair !!!

I’ve been contemplating going “natural,” for a while. Just listen to that line, I’ve been contemplating going natural. Contemplating what makes me, me.  My excuse has always been I don’t have the time, I don’t even know where to begin. But it was just that, an excuse. I was offered swimming lessons, and you know what was my response? ” Ok I’m willing to learn, I just can’t get my hair wet.”

Huh? What? That makes no sense! It was that split moment that my subconscious won. I heard how ridiculous I sounded and realized how can I say I love me? How am I comfortable with myself and I don’t like my hair?

It is a slow and steady path, but it is a path that I am willing to embrace and excited to enjoy. It’s crazy I’m in my mid 20’s and I’m finally accepting something that’s been part of me my entire life. But I guess that’s where development kicks in, and the becoming of your person starts.

Love yourself, and take care of yourself. Embrace what makes you, YOU. I stumbled across this quote and it exemplified truth. Why try to be anyone else, when you are naturally YOU

-Ess

 

 

EMPOWERED👑

  • Make (someone) stronger and more confident, especially in controlling their life and claiming their rights. Give (someone) the authority or power to do something.

 

There comes a time in every adult woman’s life where she starts to LOVE herself just a little more than she has.  When she appreciates her flaws and her imperfections. She starts to accepts her voice.  It’s when she is falling in love with herself more and more everyday.  She know she isn’t perfect, ” no one walking this earth’s surface is ” -(One of Jay’z’s many lyrics of Bonnie & Clyde.) But she does know that’s what makes her, HER. From her hair, to her shoe style and with a mix of everything in between, is her choice.

She may cut her hair, she may read more, she could be perfecting her make up. Yoga could be her thing, furthering education may be her fuel. Whatever that woman puts her mind to, she can do. & in that moment she feels she is finally feeling like herself. The person she know she can be. The person who isn’t sharing herself with trivial situations and pointless relations. She is no longer allowing her energy to focus on anything but her. She knows what’s important. She knows where she is going.

The match between her voice being heard and her silencing it, is over. Her voice won, it’s telling her. “Queen! You beautiful, you are smart, you are lovely, you are gorgeous, you are amazing, you are phenomenal, you are worth it, you are perfectly imperfect, you are strong. You are in control of YOU!” She hears it, she loves the sound of it, she believes it.

She is EMPOWERED.

-ESS.

Journey.👣

  • something suggesting travel or passage from one place to another
    • the journey from youth to maturity

For about six months I had this idea of cutting my hair. April 2016 was my last trip to the salon for curls. Afterwards I started to transition, no more heat to my hair. I was originally going to cut my hair around August and got cold feet. So I decided to get Senegalese twists instead. A protected style that is expensive and takes 8 hours to do.  When it was time to take them out I was at a road block. I had just started school,  I’m working, working out and there was no time for hair.

October 17, 2016, the beginning of my journey. I have been thinking about cutting my hair for some time. & I finally listened to my inner voice. I finally listened to me!! For the longest I was afraid I wouldn’t look right, or I would be less attractive and that it would be no turning back. Well 7am on Saturday, there wasn’t any turning back. I decided to schedule my appointment and go with my gut.

I wasn’t doing the “chop,” I was going for a more sexy chic cut. Very tapered in the back, full bang in the front to fit my face. I loved it ! It was perfect, I instantly was happy, felt like a new person immediately. ( its very funny how hair can do that for a person) Three days pass and my hair is sweating out, now granted I was in the salon for 4 hours. Getting it washed, blow-dried cut, styled, set under the dryer, curled; the full works! I didn’t realize the type of style I got,wasn’t what I truly wanted. The cut required heat or a relaxer for my hair to lay flat.

Here I am, three days later, hair does not look how it did when it was first done. No, I don’t cry, but I did contemplate what was happening.  Granted I knew nothing about hair and regret started to kick in. I hated the decision I made, but I was not going to put heat to my hair after months of discipline nor was I going to put a chemical in there to alter and damage my texture.

I tried to call the salon and to my surprise it’s closed on a Monday. I was going to go the natural stylist and have her do something, anything to this disaster I now called my hair. Then it started to kick in, I don’t have to pay her 70$ to do the same thing I can do. I went to wash my hair, put leave in conditioner in it and wore it just as.

To my surprise, I liked it, I knew with time I would love it. I knew this was the beginning of my next chapter. I knew this was the prelude to who I was becoming. I tell this story to people to let them know this wasn’t planned, this was just a leap. Yes I wanted to cut my hair, no I didn’t do the chop, this is not what I expected but it’s mine.  Life isn’t always planned, listen to your gut, take the risk you keep ignoring. It may be one of your best decisions, it turned out to be mine.

In that mere moment, I discarded the fears I had as this girl, and accepted the journey of the woman I know I can be; ME.

-Ess

Peddle backward

Remember riding your bike, and when it was going to fast or if you couldn’t control what may be coming; you could just peddle backwards and the bike would stop. It gets old, the routine of expectations leading into disappointments. Sometimes you wish you can just stop right there mid moment and avoid emotional roller coaster you’re about to head up. 

We all know life doesn’t happen like that. You have to go through the upsets, heartaches, arguments, accomplishments and thrills. Life presents many things, but experience teaches the specifics. 

There’s been more situations than I can count, that has helped me , taught me and shaped me into who I am today. They are never the most pleasant or rewarding. But they are reminders, they remind me what I can take, what to avoid; help me get a grasp on my weaknesses and strengths. 

If you’ve been randomly reading a few of my conversations, then you know I’m on a journey of self love, self awareness, and self assurance. That all comes with time, it all comes with life’s lessons. 

There will be so many more times, that I hate the situation I am put in, either voluntarily or involuntarily. However, I can’t beat myself up.  I can always peddle  backwards. I can remove myself from situations and people who aren’t for me. Remove myself from settings that aren’t welcoming enough to me. 

Love you!  Remove yourself from situations and people who don’t love you. Don’t care for you, don’t respect you. All situations, things, and people  get a chance to enter your life. You’re the only one in control of who and what stays. 

Life gets hard. You’re love life gets depressing. Some friendships may end. Work is only dragging. But to stop, just peddle backwards. To get a grasp on that which belongs to you. 

-Ess

💡. 

Sometimes we just need a reminder . Don’t let a distraction take your focus. Don’t let anything that is trivial, be anymore than temporary .

-Ess

Self-Worth

the sense of one’s own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect.

the state or condition of being aware; having knowledge; consciousness:

I always tell everyone in the midst of them asking for advice or however we end up on the topic of self awareness that “only you know you.” I say it like this “Only I know me, I know what makes me tick, what makes me cringe, what makes me happy and what makes me sad. I know what decisions I’ll regret and I know what I’m capable of.”

I say it with humility, because I’m still on my own journey of peace and self awareness. I know what it feels like to question your actions, not because you don’t trust your instinct but because you’re uncertain how you’ll feel days, weeks, months later. Always second guessing yourself, because instead of looking within, you look outward for acceptance.

I’ve made some decisions that, quite frankly was the worst ones I’ve could’ve chose. I didn’t know me. I didn’t know my full potential of being. I pray, I eat good, I work out, I have a social life, I’m in school. But what does that define? nothing, if at the end of every day you’re not happy.

The people I surrounded myself with, the environment I chose to put myself in. The carelessness of my person, I didn’t know my worth. I didn’t know how dope I truly was; pardon my word choice. I mean, I know who I wanted to be, I just didn’t feel it was obtainable so soon.

It’s when you’ve given up, when you’re past the self loathing stage, and border-line entering depression. That you become aware; bitterness was becoming me.

I never blame anyone, I’m always accountable for my actions, something that came with time and growth. However, I was around a lot of negativity, and there’s truth to the whole “you are the company you keep,” concept. You begin to identify with those around you, you become a member of group think, and less and less a member of what you(I) think.

I didn’t like what it was doing to my positive relationships, projects; nor myself. So I cleaned house! Freed my mind, no longer accepting being anything less of my potential.  I’m doing a present cleanse, if it makes sense. I’m constantly removing negative energy to make room for all the endless possibilities of happiness that I know I’m destined for.

I told my dear friend “I don’t know why I do what I do sometimes, I don’t know why I put myself back at square one time and time again.” She responded with this “CAUSE WE ARE YOUNG AND LEARNING!” -SJ

& She’s absolutely right, it takes time, but trust me when I say. “If you believe there’s better for you, or you know you can do better,” than its only you in your way.

Acknowledge your faults, victories, flaunts, flaws, habits, weaknesses, strengths. It will not all come easy, however it will come gradually. And once you know you’re worth, the mere thought of you belittling yourself, or degrading yourself, or harming yourself becomes hilarious. You ultimately want to be great at whatever it is you do, and happy at whatever it is your doing.

Trust me, when the disrespect and negativity come; from people who you can only pity because they don’t know who they are. Come with the audacity to try and  pull you off your path; off what you’ve worked so hard to be. It wont hurt you, it’ll remind you, that you’re not in that place anymore to retaliate or to try and hurt, or to get even. YOU KNOW YOU!   Understand you, accept you, embrace you; & honor yourself always.

There’s a door in front of you, with endless possibilities and nothing but opportunity waiting for you to own it.  There’s two locks on the door, Self worth and Self Awareness are the keys.

-Ess